(Even if you don't normally read these, it may be worth scrolling to the bottom to see the pics of one of my all-time favorite glitches.)

We last left our antihero sitting in his house contemplating his recently expanded family. He needs someone to take care of his daughters, as he’s always away on business trips looting and pillaging and he assumes they probably eat and such. He needs someone who will stay home to take care of the girls and tend his house with loving care while he is away. What he needs is…

...a housecarl! He had one already from being named Thane of Morthal, Valdimir, who was lodging at the Jarl’s hall in Morthal. The problem with Valdimir is that housecarls won’t stay at the city house of Breezehome. So Murderface had to buy land somewhere and build a house that he could install the girls in and leave Valdimir to take care of the house and them.

So far, the only place he had the right to buy land was in the swamps of Morthal, which he didn’t like because it was marshy and vampiric. He’d been to Falkreath in passing, and it looked like a nice area to raise children despite being built in a large graveyard where warriors from around Skyrim liked to be buried once they died. Very quiet and peaceful. Murderface is also past the level where he should have received an invitation from the Jarl of Falkreath to visit, so I had him pop over to check it out and see what was up with that.

Before doing so, he woke the girls up to say goodbye and ordered them to do their chores. They went upstairs where he found them engaged in synchronized sweeping while staring sullenly at him.

He plundered the girls’ loot chest before leaving. When you adopt kids, they find stuff and put it in a chest for you. Murderface accepted this with equanimity, and judged by the types of stuff that they were “finding" that they were probably shoplifting from the general store in town. Which he was fine with, because Belethor, the owner, was an ass.

Murderface teleported to Falkreath and crashed a funeral, standing there listening to a priest of Arkay drone on about something or other while I ate my lunch. After the funeral a random townsman standing in the graveyard told Murderface that he had the look of a killer. Murderface said “Thank you."

Poking about the town to see if it was a good place to bring his daughters, he happened upon the farmer at the enchantingly named Corpselight Farm. When he asked Farmer-Bob why the town seemed gloomy, the farmer said he had no idea--it had always been like that. And after a couple of other small-talk questions, told Murderface that his daughter had recently been killed by a savage beast.


New father Murderface was upset by this! If he was going to move his daughters into the area, this was going to have to be dealt with, and he was just the murder hobo to do it. The vagrant who’d been arrested for the crime was held in the town jail, and Murderface headed over.

When he talked to the vagrant, it turned out that the guy was horrified by what he had done, and confessed that he was a werewolf. Werewolf-Bob stole a ring from Hircine, the Daedric Prince of the hunt, that was supposed to have the power of allowing him to control his transformations. But the Prince had cursed the ring after it was stolen, so he now transformed into a mindless beast randomly. He’d been hunting a spiritual white beast in order to give the hide to Hircine in the hopes he would lift the curse when he met the child and transformed, leading to the tragedy. He begged Murderface to help him by finishing his hunt and giving the hide to Hircine.

Murderface, a bit taken aback (after all, he intended to just kill the guy and get it over with--ain’t nobody but Murderface gonna be the biggest, baddest, mofo in town), agreed. Immediately the ring equipped itself to him such that he could not take it off. Well, hell. Then Werewolf-Bob started transforming, and began to rip the bars of the cell out. Murderface turned and got the fuck out of there.

He headed out of town along the shortest route, assuming that he could kiss his house in the country goodbye if he transformed into a werewolf and savaged the townsfolk. (I later read that the player won’t transform in towns, but hell, Murderface wouldn’t know that.) And because he could also kiss the house goodbye if he let Werewolf-Bob go on a rampage, he started that quest immediately, tracking the white beast by cunningly following the quest marker on his onscreen compass. When he got near, he dropped into a crouch and slowly crept up on the beast, arrow at the ready. He assumed it was going to be a bunch of shoot, track, shoot again, but he one-shotted the thing, through a bush no less.

The white beast turned out to be a stag. The Daedric Prince Hircine manifested as its ghost, and told him approvingly that Murderface had the makeup of a fine hunter.

Must be the facial tattoos.

Hircine added that Murderface might even be his champion. Well, double hell. Hircine then told Murderface to track Werewolf-Bob, kill and skin him, and bring the pelt back. Before, of course, the other hunters that Hircine had set on the beast’s track killed either it or Murderface.

Well, triple hell.

Murderface grimly set off on his task. He ran into a couple of hunters, who shot arrows at him in an annoying fashion so he took them down by fire and axe, and eventually tracked the beast to the charmingly named Bloated Man’s Grotto. Werewolf-Bob wasn’t a mindless beast this time but a thinking one, who explained that he just wanted to stay far, far away from civilization. Being sort of sympathetic to people who had been manipulated by Daedric Princes, and again because nobody tells Murderface what to do so fuck Hircine, he decided on the spot to believe Werewolf-Bob and, after warning him that Murderface would set him on fire if he ever saw him near town again, the two took off to kill the rest of the hunters.

When that job was done the two parted ways, Werewolf-Bob to head back into the grotto, and Murderface to go back to town.

Hircine showed up on the way out. Oops. But when Murderface defiantly told him that he’d killed his hunters, Hircine laughed and admired the way that the chase had inverted, with the hunters becoming the hunted. He gave Murderface the ring as a blessing, after removing the curse from it, and then farted off to do whatever Daedric Princes do when they’re not annoying Murderface.

So if Murderface decides to take up the Companions on their offer of joining the Circle and becoming a werewolf, the ring will come in handy because it allows the wearer, if lycanthropic, to transform into a werewolf multiple times a day instead of once per day. Something to consider.

As an aside, in a later play session Murderface returned to Falkreath and headed down to the jail to see what it looked like after Werewolf-Bob busted out of there, to discover... a glitch in the Matrix as Werewolf-Bob was still down there, in werewolf form, in an intact jail cell. Oops. I saved the game and had Murderface shoot arrows at him and after a few polite protests of “Hey!” and “Watch it!” Werewolf-Bob died. Which made Murderface feel terribly guilty, so I reloaded the game and Murderface chalked that experience up to a hallucination or flashback and decided never to visit the jail again. (I am curious to see if Werewolf-Bob is still in the grotto!)

Next time: miscellaneous quests!

And bonus pics of Murderface riding a horse...

..and of a TOTALLY DIFFERENT game, Witcher III, in which Geralt, the witcher of the title, accidentally gets his head stuck in a bridge and hangs there, suspended.

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Tags: gaming, skyrim
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