Murderface Goes to the Movies

Toby and I went to Warcraft on Friday night, optimistically assuming that while it was probably going to be a terrible movie, the opening-night crowd might be a bit rowdier and thus make at least the experience of viewing it entertaining. Alas, our audience was sober and well-behaved and not a single person screamed “FOR THE HORRRRRRRDE!!” at any point. I was disappoint, because this meant we had only the movie to distract us. Maybe if we’d gone to the 10pm showing, after people had the opportunity to drink before and during it (this was at one of the dinner theatres).

So I asked Murderface what he thought about it.

He was bored by quite a lot of the movie. There was way too much talking, most of which he didn’t pay attention to, and not enough tits (i.e., none). The father and son appeared to both be about 30 years old, and so did the age-old wizard. The humans were too clean and none of them looked like they smelled the way they ought to smell after a proper campaign. He thought the queen and the half-orc were pretty hot, though, and wished there were more of them in the film.

When I asked his opinion about gender roles in the movie, and then after explaining what “gender roles” meant because Murderface is not one for the discourse, he opined that he didn’t understand why the humans didn’t seem to have many female fighters--after all, the orcs fielded plenty--because having had his ass handed to him by plenty of women (*cough*untilireloadthesaveandstartover*cough*), he knows that you’re just wasting part of your potential fighting force if they’re not there. The human army could easily have been twice the size.

Speaking of fighting, he wondered why neither side fielded archers or crossbowmen. The humans brought handheld boomsticks, which didn’t seem to have the power or the range of a proper longbow, and none of the terror factor of having a shower of arrows rain on the enemy before you get there. The battlefield was also inexplicably clean, without the mud made of blood, guts, and dirt that you usually encounter.

Not enough people or things were set on fire. Murderface also thought the orcs were too honor-bound, given that his opinion on fighting is that you do whatever it takes to make sure the other guy doesn't get up again, and hang the consequences, but other than that he approved of them. The black magic system made perfect sense to him, seeing that Skyrim enchantments are fueled via souls trapped in crystals, although he groused at the inconvenience of having to cart prisoners around when you needed to use it instead of portable soul gems.

He liked that the king actually wore a helmet at one point (unlike most of the rest of the main actors), even though it didn’t give adequate facial protection. Considering that Murderface usually wears the cowl he swiped from the Brotherhood instead of the perfectly good enchanted elven helmet I had him make because he thinks it makes him look cool, he doesn’t have much ground for criticism here.

Murderface did approve of the number of children attending with their parents and grandparents because the family that raids together stays together.

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Tags: gaming, skyrim
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