And another clever title goes here

Last time, Murderface visited a library and checked a book out. Well in the “looking at it” sense, not in the “charging it out of the library in a legal manner” sense, because he actually swiped it. This time, I promised that he falls through a trap door!

So Murderface found an abandoned prison next to a river, walked into it, and then fell through a trap door, which sent him over a waterfall.

The end (of that play session, because I got nauseated).

I suppose you’d find more detail entertaining, huh? All right. So Murderface finally got his house and all its wings--an armory, a storeroom, and a bedroom--built, but they were empty, and it was going to require 3-4000 more septims to furnish the place, so he was out on the road again, tramping over the terrain to kill yet another giant who was minding his own business and not hurting anyone for reward. He spotted an interesting-looking building set into a mountainside above a river next to a waterfall and swam across because I couldn’t be bothered to see if there was a bridge.

Entering the building, he magically learned (i.e., it flashed up on the screen) that it was an old abandoned prison. The loot wasn’t particularly great, but he did discover writings from the guards showing that they had been ordered to abandon the prison due to flooding, and they were to leave the prisoners behind. There was also a note from one prisoner to another, showing that they had escape plans. No telling if any of them escaped, but at least a few guards and prisoners didn’t, as there were three ghosts left inhabiting the place.

So Murderface had to kill the ghosts. And then looted ghost remains for physical objects and ectoplasm. Um, yeah. Anyway, when he was halfway through the place he came upon an open trap door in one cell and while he was examining it to see if he could see anything down it, he got too close and fell in. Unable to climb back up, he had to follow it to the end. It let out into the river at a spot so close to the waterfall that he couldn’t swim to shore and ended up swept over the falls. Surprisingly, the game did not kill him.

(That was the point at which I quit that play session because for some reason I was seriously pukey due to motion sickness. I can’t really tell when it’s going to hit me and when it isn’t going to. Hunger seems to have something to do with it at times. Bethesda announced at E3 this weekend that they’re going to be releasing a remastered version of Skyrim for modern consoles this fall, and I have high hopes that it’ll be MUCH easier to play for me. Hopefully I can port a game from the PS3 over!)

Anyway, a few days later, Murderface wasn’t about to let that stupid trap door stop him from plundering a prison full of not particularly good loot, so he trudged back up the road. On the way he used a goat for archery practice that turned out to be carrying 8 gold pieces.

He also found an Old Orc, loitering aimlessly near a bridge. Upon inquiry, Orc-Bob explained that he was getting old and wanted to go out in battle, to please his deity, Malacath. He’d had a dream that he would meet his destiny in this spot, so if Murderface wasn’t going to oblige him by killing him, would he please just move on. After a couple of token attempts at talking Orc-Bob out of this plan, Murderface shrugged, set him on fire, and axed him to death.

Raise a drink to Orc-Bob, who went out of the world the way he wanted to: screaming and on fire. He also got a couple of good hits in on Murderface, so Malacath should be mollified.

A little way down the road, three Imperial soldiers and a Stormcloak prisoner stood around, pointedly ignoring Orc-Bob’s death and the madman who caused it. They didn’t seem immediately hostile, which piqued Murderface’s curiosity, as he’s found that when you’re covered in someone else’s blood, people tend to assume you’re going after them next and pre-emptively attack.

He asked the first person he came up to what was going on. This turned out to be both the Stormcloak prisoner and a mistake as instead of information the game gave him the option to try to free him, to free him and share weapons with him, or to leave him alone. Given that the Imperials were going to execute him upon his entrance to Skyrim, Murderface decided to free the Stormcloak, but as Ulfric Stormcloak was an ass to him earlier, he chose not to arm the prisoner. This led to the Imperials’ deaths in short order. Presumably the Stormcloak escaped, as his body was nowhere to be found afterward.

Despite the game’s best efforts to distract him, Murderface ended up back in the prison. He killed one final ghost--turns out a Lightning rune set in the floor will discombobulate the dead as well as it does the living--and finished the pitiful looting there was to be done.

After the prison, Murderface got to the giant that had the bounty on its head and murdered it dead with two arrows. He returned to Windhelm to collect the bounty from the Jarl’s steward, where he overheard the Jarl--Ulfric Stormcloak the Asshat--talking to his companion about plans to take Whiterun. Well, now. Definitely time to get his daughters the hell out of their house in Whiterun and out to the lake manor. If Valdimar would just get off his ass and get the damn place furnished! (Kids won’t move unless they have a bed and a piece of furniture in which to put their stuff.)

Murderface took the opportunity at Windhelm to hit up the Jarl’s mage for enchanting supplies (and to offload some items for gold) when a guard wandered into the room, bored and casting about for a topic of conversation.

“So you’re like me, eh? Don’t fancy those clunky two-handed weapons?”

Murderface blankly eyed the giant two-handed warhammer strapped to the guard’s back, and eventually the guard left.

For his final quest of the session, Murderface decided to help out Danica, the nun/priestess-type person who’d asked him for help waaaaaay back when, when he first arrived in town. There’s a tree in the center of town that’s some sort of holy tree--Murderface is kinda vague on the details because Murderface--which is dead or dying. And Runa once mentioned how sad it was that the tree was dying, so he figured she’d appreciate that he did something about it.

So he hied off on the first step of the quest, which was to retrieve a special dagger called Nettlebane. It was guarded by several mages and a hagraven, which was just about as nasty as you’d expect from that name. Murderface didn’t die during the fight, although he came close. The hagraven vanished from sight before its HP meter had emptied, so Murderface thought it was just hiding and healing. He carefully snuck his way around the bluff that the hagraven was camping on, and walked right over two Lightning runes. You’d think that with his predilection for throwing runes where enemies could step on them he’d be looking out for them but OH COME ON THIS IS MURDERFACE.

He got up on top of the bluff, ready for a bigger fight with a fully-healed hagraven and found a very dead hagraven. Um, ok. He looted the dagger and a few other things and teleported back to Whiterun.

Upon his entrance to the temple, Danica came over and expressed surprise that Murderface actually made it back. Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence, lady. And then mentioned that the quest wasn’t over yet and she needed sap from a big holy tree in a sanctuary over yonder way to fix the tree. Sigh. It’s a good thing that Runa likes the tree or he’d be inclined to tell the priestess to go to hell. Before he left the temple, a worshipper, Zealot-Bob ran over and begged to be allowed to accompany Murderface to the sanctuary, as he’d dreamed of seeing the tree in person for ages. Fine.

They get to the sanctuary with little problem. It’s set inside a large cavern, with plants and water flowing. You can’t see the tree as the pathway to it is blocked by ginormous roots, as a worshipper in the sanctuary informed Murderface. He wasn’t about to let a tree stop him from getting to the tree and getting this damn quest finished, so he attacked the roots with the dagger. The roots obligingly curled aside and let him pass.

As they neared the tree, Zealot-Bob ran up to Murderface and sank to his knees, begging him not to hurt the tree.

“I had no idea you were a man of violence!” cried Zealot-Bob.


Dude, his name is MURDERFACE. He’s dressed in ARMOR. This is what his hands looked like for THE ENTIRE TRIP HERE.


Anyway, Zealot-Bob offered an alternate plan to wounding the tree for its sap, which was for him, Zealot-Bob, to pray to the tree. Murderface rolled his eyes and said FINE, and after a bit of prayer a sapling magically appeared. Murderface stuffed it into his pack and got the hell out of there.

Upon return to Whiterun, Danica bitched at him for a while, asking how he expected her to fix the current tree? Because she needed a source of inspiration NOW, not in the future when the sapling got bigger.

Murderface was delighted to see that one of his conversation options was “It’s not my problem,” so he opted to inform her that he didn’t give a flying fuck and it was her problem now. She must have seen the gleam in his eye that said “Give me one reason…” and backpedaled, saying that of course she would come up with something, and Murderface left the temple.

Next time: a wizard duel!

Here’s a bonus pic of a dead elf Murderface found:

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Tags: gaming, skyrim
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