Hmph, amateurs

Last time we encountered Murderface he’d interrupted a ritual intended to resurrect the evil Wolf Queen, Potema, and received a whole 1000 septims for saving the free world yet again.

This session, Murderface walked out of his house to encounter a courier, who had a For Your Eyes Only letter from Steward-Bob up at the Blue Palace in Solitude. Seems that after he’d had a think about the binding and summoning ritual that Murderface interrupted, he had something to ask Murderface that he didn’t want to put into writing, and thus summoned him back to Solitude.

Murderface is no one’s slave, to be summoned at the Blue Palace’s whim, so he went to kill bandits in Pinerock Cave instead. Alas, he’d forgotten that he was given that quest by the mage at the Blue Palace and that it was vampires, not bandits--his notes on the quest said “kill the leader," not “kill the master vampire" or whatever, so his response to the howls that greeted him when he walked into the cave was “Great. Fucking vampires."

He killed the two wolves guarding the entrance, and sucked their souls into soul gems. He needed those souls, as he had a lot of enchanting to do. He carefully snuck around the cavern, seeing what there was to loot, and on his way to the next cavern he stumbled over a dead wolf. “Huh," he thought. “Guess they left the dead wolf there so that they can resurrect it to fight for them." Moving on, he then discovered that he was, in fact, back at the entrance of the cave and had killed that wolf on his way in.

I don’t have any notes on the fight itself, so it must not have been very exciting or particularly funny, but after a round of enchanting and selling he reported to the Blue Palace and informed the mage of the death of the vampire leader, and then talked to Whatshisnuts about the letter he’d sent.

(I’m pretty sure the exit of this cave system was where Murderface stopped to take a selfie because he thought he looked pretty cool.)

Turns out that Potema was loose in the world, and Steward-Bob directed Murderface to go talk to the local Priest of Arkay to see if there was something he could do. Murderface pocketed a candelabra on the way out, to show his contempt.

Priest-Bob, when Murderface found him, explained that Potema was a very old necromancer queen of Solitude in between not-well-disguised attempts to sell Murderface books he’d written, and sent him off to the Solitude catacombs with directions to return with her earthly remains for cleansing.

On his way to find the catacombs Murderface got lost in the Palace and found the rooms where the IMperials were garrisoned. One officer was trying to convince her commanding officer that Ulfric Stormcloak was going to try to take Whiterun. Murderface knew damn well that Jarl Asshat was planning on taking Whiterun, as he’d overheard the plans, but still wasn’t feeling especially positive about the Imperials, so didn’t bother to confirm it.

It does make one wonder why everyone making plans in this world doesn’t care that someone they don’t know just blundered into the room where they’re discussing invasion plans and countermeasures. If it ever occurred to Murderface that this was not the best way to plan a campaign, he’d probably be insulted that they didn’t think he was enough of a threat to keep silent around him.

Murderface eventually found the entrance to the Solitude catacombs. Not too far inside, he was stopped by the voice of Claudia Christian gleefully informing him that once he died he would be raised to … something something, blah blah blah. In his life, Murderface has had a lot of practice in not paying attention to otherworldly voices.

There wasn’t too much more to say about this particular quest, except that it was full of draugr, which Murderface appreciated. The next-to-final boss fight took place in a large room full of draugr popping their coffin lids and attacking. After dying a couple of times, Murderface perfected his strategy. Before entering the room, he cast Fire Cloak on himself, which surrounds him in, surprisingly enough, a cloak of fire. He cast a Fire Rune on the floor just inside the room. He set up his flame spell in one hand and his trusty axe in the other. He entered the room just long enough to trigger the coffins to pop, then retreated to the entrance room. All he had to do at that point was wait for the draugr to jam themselves in the doorway and then sort themselves out, then take them out with fire and axe as they struggled out of the gridlock.

Potema was the only thing left at that point. Assuming that she was going to be a tough fight, Murderface threw a Flame Atronach into the room, cast another Flame Cloak about himself, and then screamed into the room shooting flame and whaling away at her with the axe. Naturally, the most difficult part of the whole fight turned out to be facing in the correct direction, and after he managed to get himself pointed at her, it only took 3 or 4 strokes of the axe to take her out.

Back at the Blue Palace he turned in the quest. Steward-Bob gave him 1500 coin and a shield, and thanked him. He said that the Jarl would have thanked Murderface herself, but she wanted to keep P’s return quiet.

“Well, great," thought Murderface to himself. “How can I impress chicks now? AM I GOING TO HAVE TO KILL A FUCKING DRAGON?!"

As a small consolation, after his next round of enchanting he hit level 100, which meant that now he could dual-enchant objects! His next quests were done with the aim of collecting enough loot to purchase glass armor--better than his current elven armor--so he could improve the armor and then enchant it as much as possible.

He started towards this noble goal by telling a woman her daughter was dead. She was in the army, and her captain, whose job it bloody IS to do this sort of thing, was drinking somewhere, avoiding the duty. After entering the woman’s shop and breaking the news to her in that blunt Murderface way (don’t you wish you’d done it yourself, Captain-Bob?), he pilfered several small items on his way out.

Then he started a quest which turned out to have several parts to it. This was to investigate the Legend of Galdur, on the trail of a mage seeking the truth of the legend. After finding the caves the mage was investigating and reading the journal he left at his campsite, it seems the mage (a) was a jerk and (b) had hired adventurers to help him loot an amulet or something. It didn’t seem like the mage was planning on letting the adventurers live, but it didn’t matter as Murderface kept stumbling over their bodies in the draugr-infested catacombs they’d been investigating.

Murderface mostly just shook his head at the poor saps--going by their shoddy armor and weapons, they were amateurs and in over their heads. It was sort of pleasant to find that Mage-Bob was dead, too.

Picture taken after Murderface looted him. Mage-Bob was not such an amateur as to go looting ancient tombs in his undies.

(On his way into the catacombs, Murderface fell into a water trap. But he found a coin purse at the bottom, so he wasn’t too bothered.)

Murderface looted an Ivory Dragon Claw from the mage’s corpse, and read his notes. The “truth" was that Galdur had existed, which was apparently in contention in some places, but as Murderface hadn’t ever heard of him before, he hadn’t had an opinion one way or the other. He had a powerful amulet, which was broken into 3 pieces and hidden in 3 different tombs for safekeeping.

Arcane artifact so powerful and frightening that people broke it up and scattered the pieces across Skyrim, guarded by undead and then scrubbed all references to it and its wielder out of history? Sounds like something Murderface ought to have!

Further into the tombs, Murderface accidentally triggered a rockfall trap, but it handily killed a draugr and not Murderface. The amulet fragment was entombed with a powerful draugr near a Word Wall, and after getting the Word--which he won’t know what it is until he kills a dragon, hah!--he fought the main draugr overlord and his thralls. It didn’t take too long, and once he killed the overlord the thralls who’d managed to climb out of their coffins before their liege was killed collapsed into dust.

One of the ones that didn’t make it out of a coffin had boobs. Let me repeat that: a draugr. An undead, withered, dry husk of bone and sinew animated by a fragile spark of life. With boobs.

Murderface does not approve. In fact, he finds it creepy as all get-out.

He also found a levitating greatsword.

And that’s where I’ll leave it today, except for one final observation. Murderface also found a potion new to him, one called Solution of Lasting Potency. He was so disappointed to discover that all it did was regenerate magicka. He set the oil on the floor of the first chamber on fire on his way out, in a fit of pique.

Next time: Glass armor! Which is tougher than it sounds!

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Tags: gaming, skyrim
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